Suckered into this blogging thing....

So, I guess I have a confession,
I never wanted to get a "blogspot" because...it seems, well, to be dreadfully honest, a cop-out, something that, you can use to express how you feel without people being able to "disagree" right there, on the spot, or say something that might offend you, or put you off guard. But, well, here I am, about to write down some things that I know some of you that may read this, or anyone that reads this at all, might be either really surprised, offended, or dissapointed in me, but that's fine, I'm not here to make impressions. Well, here goes nothing,
I have been going through some really trashy stuff lately. Guilty feelings for one, for a LONG time. Months. Can't figure out why though. Ever. I have done many things to rid me of this feeling but it overwhelms me, and consumes me, it walks with me when I wake up in the morning, and it comes with me to bed when I fall asleep. Also, along with feelings of "guilt", to be very honest with you all, I haven't been doing so great with my faith in God lately. I had so many questions/maybe I still even have a few that are yet to be answered. But the stupid thing is, is that when I was younger, these things never made me question my faith, or what I believed, and I always looked to those who felt the way I have lately as if they where "childish" or, "immature" with their faith. Wrong thinking. I know. So I have had these questions such as: Does God even really exist?, and, what makes OUR faith real, and everyone else that has different beliefs wrong? Or condemn them to Hell? How do WE know for a FACT that God is real, that what we have is real; are we really just supposed to "believe"...well, sadly...that's not good enough for me. Not lately anyways. And it has made me bitter inside, it has made me wonder if "Christianity" is fake, is worship fake? Now, remember, these are just questions I have, NOT accusations. Well, I confessed these things to my mom the other night, we were just talking, and I couldn't contain myself anymore, or my emotions, so I just spilled it all, and she listened to me, she didn't yell, she didn't judge, she just listened. And that's all. I don't think she will ever realize how much that helped me out. Obviously, yeah, I still felt the same way, but one thing she did tell me, was "immerse yourself with Christianity until you can't feel anything else other than God" and, that's what I did, kind of. But tonight, I started listening to 103.5, the Christian radio station, and I NEVER listen to that show, firstly because the talk show host annoys the crap out of me, and second it can be REALLY over the top. But tonight driving home with terrible road conditions, I figured, meh what the heck, so I turned to that station. There was this talk show on, not sure who it was, but basically, its a show where, they don't know what they are going to talk about, they just talk, its totally spirit led, pretty neat. And, it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, it's impossible to explain how I felt on here, but it might be one of the most amazing things that has ever happend to me. The talk show hosts were talking about how people go through life driving themselves crazy because of this "false" guilt they bring upon themselves, and they were just saying things about this feeling inside your stomach that just turns and turns...and it was the same feeling that I have had for a while. Anyways, it was just too perfect to be, a "coincedence" (Sorry, ignore the spelling), it overwhelmed me. After they had talked about this they went on to pray for anyone that might be going through exactly what they were talking about, and then this like "narrirator" guy came on and said "there was someone here tonight listening to this radio show that may not be a regular listener that needed to hear these words, and I hope they were blessed"...and, that was that. The show ended. Even writing this now, I can't contain myself with the joy and the freedom and the peace that I feel in Christ. All those questions I had, just gone. And I start to think, how could I ever go on without Him, and where would I ever be if I didn't have Him?

Until next time.
- Merm